My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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