I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
