One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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