Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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