You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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