my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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