Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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