so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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