i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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