im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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