We won't sleep together?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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