Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
