Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
