Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
