he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
