I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
