I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
