Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Use "feeling words"
Yay
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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