I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
