Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Two words: nipple clamps
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