just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
