five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
