mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
