mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
