I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
