Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
