forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
