Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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