He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
