my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
