Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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