Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Randomize