I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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