Im at strip club and am horny
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
