Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
