Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
