You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
