note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
