the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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