I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
