There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
