I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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