now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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