i just had sex bonerless
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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