Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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