Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Two words: nipple clamps
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