i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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