I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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