So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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