Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
