about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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