I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
