I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
