we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
