you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
