i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If I die, sorry about rent.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
