The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
